


James Potter and the Valentine's Day Charade

by ChannelTheFlannel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Banter, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hogwarts Sixth Year, Humor, M/M, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, Ridiculous, School Dances, Unrequited Crush, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-05-20 15:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6014539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChannelTheFlannel/pseuds/ChannelTheFlannel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the sappiest season of them all, and James is determined to take advantage of it to finally win over Lily. She's not having any of it, of course.</p><p>So, in the face of rejection, James comes up with a brilliant plan to woo her....</p><p>Step 1: Fake-date Sirius.<br/>Step 2: Pay Remus to fake-date Lily.<br/>Step 3: Reap the rewards. </p><p>What could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Plan

It was the ninth of February, and Valentine's day was just around the proverbial corner. Secret admirers were leaving notes around the halls, the Gryffindor common room was sporting even more red than usual, the Fat Lady had allegedly stolen flowers from a portrait in the Hufflepuff common room, and the Ravenclaws were hanging up bad pick-up lines all around the castle.

T'was the season, and the amount of pheromones in the common room that evening was almost as noticeable as the suspiciously (and most likely Amortenta-derived) marvelous scent drifting from the Potions classroom.

The Gryffindors were certainly in the spirit. Everyone had their own special way of preparing for the most romantic holiday.

Remus was busy scribbling down sappy poems and love letters that nearly two dozen different students had paid him to make for them to give to their dates. He claimed that he was charging five galleons each, and was making quite a profit.

Peter, on the other hand, was practicing his origami skills by folding various designs of swans and hearts. He was selling them for nine sickles a piece, but no one seemed to be buying them. Poems were all the rage that year, apparently, and there was no room for silly folded things.

Sirius was busy suggesting amorous adjectives for Remus to include in the poems. He was claiming a comission of nine sickles per poem that Remus sold (which was more than what poor Peter was making).

James, on the other hand, had no monetary aspirations for the Valentine season. The only thing he wanted to cash in on was a certain red-haired flower.

("Cashing in" was one of the pick-up lines the Ravenclaws had posted. Remus had avised he not use that one.)

He was staring longingly across the common room at the future love of his life, Lily Evans, who was chatting away with some of her friends.

"I'm going to do it," whispered James. "I'm going to ask her. Tonight is the night she'll say yes."

Sirius rolled his eyes and flicked him in the shoulder. "You've been saying that for the past three years, mate. I don't believe you anymore." 

"Yeah," Peter added, looking up from his fortieth pink swan. "You're starting to sound like the boy who cried wolf..."

"What's that?" asked Sirius. "You're not making sense again, Wormtail."

Remus sighed and set down his quill. "You don't understand, wee feathered duckling," he cooed mockingly. "It's a reference to a muggle fairy tale."

James cleared his throat. "Gentlemen. Attention on me and _my_ situation again. Please."

"Yes, darling master," Sirius laughed, pausing to look at Remus' pile of letters. "Have we used that one yet? 'Darling master?' I think that's a good one."

"I don't think so...."

"I like it," Peter piped up. "Better than 'feathered duckling.'"

"Guys!" James whined. "I'm going to go over there right now and ask her. _Right now_. Do you even care?" 

"Nope," answered Remus, signing off the next letter with a flourish.

"Knock yourself out," Sirius deadpanned.

"Good luck!" Peter chirped.

"Thanks, Pete," James sighed. "Sometimes I feel like you're the only one who truly appreciates me."

Then, he stood up, straightened his bright gold and blood orange jumper, tried to fix his hair, and took a deep breath. He began to walk over to Evans, and ignored his friends' ongoing bickering.

"Way to go, Pete! Knocked me down a notch on the best friend scale!"

"It's not my fault, Pads!"

James blocked it all out. There was nothing but him, his charm, the common room sofa, and the glorious being that was Lily Evans.

There she was, sitting there, laughing as she warmed her feet in front of the fire. As pretty as a picture.

James cleared his throat. "Hullo, Evans," he said casually, walking over to the fire place. He tried to lean against the wall there, ignoring the searing heat of the fire as he half-winced and half-smiled at her.

"Evening, Potter," she replied, looking away from her friends. "Is there something you want? Perhaps help on the transfiguration essay?"

James felt his cheeks go hot, and he ran a hand through his hair nervously. This was it. 

"That would be brilliant, actually," he laughed, though homework was the last thing on his mind. "But I wanted to ask you something else."

"Oh?" Evans inquired. "Spit it out, then."

"Well," James laughed, and his mind unhelpfully conjured a thousand Ravenclaw poster pick-up lines. "Merlin... Are you using the _Confundus_ charm, or are you just naturally this mind blowing?"

Evans blinked her pretty green eyes at him. "What?"

He laughed awkwardly again. "Never mind," he said, putting that behind him. "Listen, there's that Valentine's Day dance coming up. I thought we should go together."

He felt the tension in his shoulders release as he said it. That was much easier than he expected. 

But Evans' reaction was not quite so relieving. She looked up at him with a raised eyebrow, and then sighed.

"I should have seen this coming," she groaned. "Potter, it's not happening. And, really... Valentine's Day? Terrible, honestly."

James crossed his arms defensively. "What's wrong with Valentine's Day?" he demanded.

Beside Evans, Marlene McKinnon rolled her eyes as if he were an idiot overlooking the most obvious thing in the world.

"Valentine's Day is nothing more than a charade," Evans explained, sounding more than a little patronizing. "It's a holiday made up so we spend lots of money and feel guilty about being alone."

James frowned. "So, then don't be alone. Come to the dance with me."

McKinnon rolled her eyes again. "You don't get it, Potter," she retorted. "Lily says no. She's not going to conform to societal norms and go on a date with you."

Evans shrugged. "Sorry, Potter. Valentine's Day is just a big hype."

James, while rather confused, had not yet given up hope.

"Then will you go out with me for not Valentine's Day?" he inquired.

"No," she replied flatly, and turned back to chatting with Marlene.

* * *

 

"Told you she'd say no," Sirius taunted. They were back in their dorm room, getting ready for bed.

"You did not," James growled, throwing his pillow at Sirius' head.

"Kinda did," Peter pointed out innocently. "Though that might have been last week."

Sirius laughed and threw the pillow back at James, but he simply caught it with his honed Quidditch reflexes. 

"Point is," Remus cut in, before anyone could add something more, "you were doomed from the start, Prongs. She's not going out with you."

James groaned and clutched the pillow to his chest, allowing himself to collapse onto his four-poster bed.

"What am I doing wrong, then? And what makes you all think you know her so well?"

"I don't," Peter replied through a yawn. "But she doesn't like you. Anyone can see that."

"No way!" James cried, still star-fished out on his mattress. "She's just playing hard to get."

"Trust me," Remus said. "She's not playing hard to get."

"Or she's crazy dedicated," Sirius added. 

James was quiet for a moment, contemplating his options. He certainly wanted to win Evans over, but obviously his straight-forward tactics were not working. 

Perhaps he should try playing hard to get?

His head filled with thoughts of Evans, he began to slip off into sleep. He hardly registered the ongoing sound of Remus' quill, or Peter's yawned _good night_.

There was nothing but James, his charm, and his plans to win over Lily Evans.

* * *

"Sickle for your thoughts," said Sirius, snapping James out of his deep state of meditation.

"I've got it!" he exclaimed, sitting up straight as the last bits of his plan began to tie together.

"Shhh!" the librarian hissed, shooting him an evil eye as she looked up from her cataloguing.

"I've got it," James repeated, whispering now.

"Oh, brilliant!" Peter replied. "Because I've been stuck on it for the past fifteen minutes."

"What the hell are you talking about, Pete?" James asked, staring at his blond friend in confusion.

"Question twelve on the potions homework. I asked you for help. Remember?" Peter inquired, frowning.

"Was a bit zoned out," James admitted, feeling a little bad. "I was thinking about Evans."

"Oh, what an earth-shattering surprise," Remus mumbled. He didn't look up from his work, not even as he gracefully dipped his quill in the ink pot.

"Shut it," James snapped. "Do you want to hear it or no?"

"What?" Sirius questioned. "You're going to share your erotic Evans fantasy with us? No thanks." He grimaced and shook his head, turning back to his book.

"I wasn't--"

Sirius interrupted James by immediately setting down the book. "Actually, prongs, scratch that. Even your disturbing fantasies would be more interesting than astronomy right now."

"I wasn't having an erotic fantasy just then," James snapped defensively.

"But another time? Sure," Remus added with a smirk.

"Come on," Peter interjected. "I want to hear what he has to say!"

"Thanks, Pete," James sighed, rubbing his temples in exasperation. "I've conjured a brilliant plot for wooing Evans. But I'll need your help."

"Do tell," Remus hummed, setting down his quill. "I can put off Frank Longbottom's love letter request for a few minutes."

"Brilliant," James returned with a scowl. "Glad to be worthy of your attention for once, Moony. Because I'll be needing your help specifically."

"What about me?" Sirius pouted. "I feel like I've been ignored lately."

"Share the spotlight, you needy dog," Remus grumbled, waving away Sirius with a hand. He turned back to James, smilinh warmly. "Now, Prongs. Let's talk business."

"Okay," said James, grateful to be taken seriously. "First, has anyone asked you to write something to Lily for them?"

"That's confidential. Between me and my clients."

Sirius reached across the table and grabbed at James' hands, smirking devilishly. "I, on the other hand, have no contractual obligations to his clients. So, for your information, eighty percent of those love letters are for Evans, and fifty percent of the sonnets are for her as well."

"What?" James shrieked, earning another death glare from the librarian.

"Settle your wand," Remus grumbled, shaking his head. "Pads is a lying prick. None of them are for Evans."

Sirius gave Remus a betrayed look, but James let out a sigh of relief.

"Okay, brilliant." He sighed again, laughing at himself. "So, can you write her one?"

The jaws of his three friends all seemed to drop at once.

"What?" Peter gasped.

"That was your plan?" Sirius demanded, looking disgusted.

Remus shoved his glasses up the bridge of his nose and blinked in horror. "Prongs. I thought you were more noble than this. To see you stoop so low...."

"You're the one bloody writing the damned things!" James protested, a little louder than he should have.

"Language, Mr. Potter!" exclaimed the librarian. "Once more and I'm afraid I will have to ask you to leave!"

James ducked his head in shame as his friends began to snicker at him.

"Hear me out," he pleaded, lowering his chin to rest on his hands. "Moons, I need you to write Evans love letters. But not as me. From you."

"Mate, that's not helping your case," Sirius said, a concerned look on his face. "Remus could win over any girl with his prose, and don't get me started on his poetry!"

Remus actually blushed. "Don't flatter me, my adjective generator," he mumbled. "But honestly, James. I'm not complaining, even if you are crazy. You'll just have to pay double."

"Ten galleons per letter?" Peter gasped. "But friends go free, right?"

Sirius scoffed. "What kind of a business model is that, Pete?"

"Yeah, Wormtail," Remus added, raising an eyebrow. "You thought I would write you that poem for McKinnon for free? Come _on_."

"I gave you both free swans!" Peter exclaimed. "You're not being fair!"

"Your loss," Sirius snickered. 

"Again, we need to turn the focus back to me," James insisted, snapping his fingers in front of their faces. "My brilliant plan, remember?"

Remus nodded solemnly. "Yeah. So, you'll pay me ten galleons a piece to write love letters to Evans? As myself? Why?"

"Well, you're obviously a reputed romantic," James replied. "If you can't win her over, no one can."

"So you're going to use our sweet Moony as a test subject?" Sirius gasped. "How unjust!"

"Not a test subject," James clarified. "He just needs to keep her attention for a while so no one else more threatening steals her before I win her over."

"More threatening?" Sirius repeated, looking aghast. "You insult Moony as you ask him to let his heartstrings be pulled at? You want him to fall in love with Evans just so you can steal her away?"

"Ahem," Remus coughed. "Moony can speak for himself. And while I _am_ rather offended, I'll take the job. For a doubled price. Double the orginal double."

James shrugged. He could deal with that. He just wouldn't buy him a birthday present.

"You guys are crazy," Peter grumbled. 

James ignored him. "Fine. Just keep Evans occupied for a week or so while I work on winning her over."

"A few weeks?" Peter repeated, grinning genuinely. "Generous, James. You must be sure your plan will work. That's great!" 

"Yeah," Sirius agreed, much more hesitantly. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "What's this brilliant plan of yours, anyway?"

"That, my good man," said James, "is where you come in. I need you to date me."

"What?" Sirius laughed, looking rather shocked.

"I need you to be my boyfriend," James repeated, more assertively.

Their table fell quiet, and the other three exchanged nervous glances. James swallowed in anticipation, wondering what he had said wrong.

"Well?"

Remus laughed nervously.

Peter averted his eyes.

Sirius cleared his throat. 

"While I'm flattered you've finally revealed your true feelings for me, Jamie," he said hesitantly, "I'm just not so sure how well it will go over."

"Why not?" James demanded.

"James," Remus said slowly. "It's not a good idea to openly act queer, yeah? You don't want to get hurt. Especially if it's not real."

Sirius cracked a half-smile. "Yeah, mate. I'm keen on dating guys, for sure, but not many other people are. I wouldn't want to out myself over nothing."

James was at a point where he couldn't quite comprehend what his friends were implying. It hadn't seemed like such a big deal when he had planned it out in his head. His parents had plenty of friends that were "queer," after all.

"It'll be harmless," he assured them. "We're the Marauders, remember? No one'll mess with us. And we'll all call it off as a prank if things go badly."

Sirius bit his lip anxiously. "What makes you think this will help, anyway?"

"Well, I have to go to the dance with _someone_ ," James scoffed. "And you were the obvious answer! Besides, I heard Lily talking about same-sex rights the other day or something. I bet you she'll love this."

Remus buried his face in his hands. "Just fork over the galleons, James."

"You got it."

"I guess I'm in," Sirius grumbled. "But don't go breaking my heart, Potter."

"I wouldn't dream of it!"

"What about me?" Peter asked.

All three of them turned to look at Peter at once. 

"You just sit there and look pretty, Pete," James instructed. 

Peter pursed his lips. 

"Fine, I guess. But don't blame me when everything goes wrong."

James ignored that statement. He was certain his plan would go over brilliantly. Peter's uncertainty was just a testament to his future success. 

No, he thought. Nothing would go wrong at all. 

It would be perfect. 


	2. Chapter 2

_Roses are red, violets are blue._

_You got the best scores in Charms!_

_How charming of you._  

 

It wasn't that Remus wasn't trying. He had put effort into that poem. 

The thing was, he didn't _want_ to put effort into it. He didn't _want_ to have to pretend to want Lily Evans. What he wanted was forty galleons per every letter he sent her, and he was getting that. 

That was what mattered, right?

Not really. Remus knew what was best for James, and this wasn't it. If anything went slightly wrong, it would absolutely crush him, and Remus didn't want that. 

So, he had put effort into that sad, cliche poem. The effort just wasn't towards wooing Evans. 

It was towards making James regret ever spending forty galleons on Remus' Romantic Writings (TM).

"I've done it, James," he said, ungracefully shoving the piece of parchment across the library table. "I've finished your bloody poem."

"Really?" James greedily snatched up the poem, looking excited. 

It took three seconds for his face to fall. 

Remus held himself together. He didn't even crack a smile. His plan was already working.

"It took you twenty-four hours to write _this_?" James demanded, his lip curling in distaste. "This is what you're going to give to the most wonderful girl on the planet?"

Remus shrugged innocently. "It's my best effort," he replied. "If that's not what you want, then maybe you should write it yourself."

James ungraciously crumpled the parchment into a ball and buried his face in his hands. 

"What am I paying you for, Moons?"

"To write romantic notes to whomever takes your fancy. Guaranteed to flatter anyone." That was one of his catch phrases. 

"Then why is this a generic ball of cliche?" James demanded, using his wand to levitate the ball for extra effect. "Evans doesn't _want_ Valentine's Day crap. That's why she turned me down, remember?"

 _No,_ thought Remus. _She turned you down because you're a cocky hippogriff's rectum._

"You seem to know her pretty well," he remarked. "Why do you want me to send her the letters? Surely they should be from you."

James dropped the ball of parchment. "Moons. What am I paying you for, again? Are you this difficult with all your clients?"

"Not at all," Remus replied smoothly. "My other clients don't make me pretend I'm in love with someone. Usually, they make me pretend I'm them being in love with someone. It's usually easier to write something sappy when I'm doing that."

"And how is this different?"

"I am not in love with Evans. I can't lie to her. I have no feelings for her beyond a mild spark of academic competition. So, I put that, which is all I have, into your 'generic ball of cliche.'"

This answer did not seem to satisfy James. He groaned and slammed his palms onto the table.

"Moony. Remus. Buddy. We're the Marauders, yeah?" he cajoled, flashing his famous Potter grin. "We have plans for things. That's how we make things work. It's what makes us successful. So, just stick to the plan, okay?"

Remus raised an eyebrow. _And whose plans are the successful ones?_ he thought. _Oh, yeah. Not yours. Mine._

But this plan was obviously not going to work. He would have to set a different tactic. One that did not include James getting to read the letters being sent. 

He would set things right. James would not be a victim to his own foolish plans. Remus would save Valentine's Day, and would get James the girl. 

Luckily, he didn't have to voice this idea, because Sirius and Peter had entered the library, and were approaching the table. Remus smirked and went back to writing more letters. 

Or, trying to, at least. It was a little harder when he was hanging onto Sirius' every word. 

"Whatcha working on now, Moony?" he inquired, sliding into the seat next to him. 

"Nothing," he replied, shielding his paper with a hand. "I won't be needing your help with pet names for this."

* * *

Charms class was first thing on Tuesday morning, and they were working on non-verbal levitation charms. This meant the classroom was much quieter than normal, and Remus cursed himself for the lack of foresight.

He had deliberately partnered with Evans in the back of the classroom so he could connive with her. But now, he wouldn't be able to talk to her.

Written evidence was certainly less ideal, but perhaps it would work. While Evans was busy making her parchment float, Remus pretended to rabidly scribble notes on his. Then, he slid it over to her.

 _Evans._ _I have a plan, and I'm going to need your help. From one of the smartest students here to the other, yeah? Trust me on this._

Evans raised her eyebrows at him and snatched the paper from his hands. When she read it, she rolled her eyes.\

**Why can't your Marauder buddies help you?**

_I said from one smart student to another, didn't I? Besides. It wouldn't work if they were involved. It's on them._

**What is this? Revenge? What did Potter do to you?**

_Not about hurting James, though it's interesting that your mind would jump to him first...._

**If you're screwing with me, Lupin, you're going to regret it.**

_I promise I'm not. Let's meet and talk about this later? I'd rather explain it in person._

**Library at four?** **Black and Potter will be at Quidditch.**

_I know. See you then._

Remus held the parchment under the table and Vanished it, a smirk resting on his lips.

It probably meant nothing, but he thought there was something in James' favor if Evans knew when his practice was.

* * *

 

"Alright, Lupin. What do you want? Don't tell me you've pulled me into the restricted section to snog me. Because that's just not on."

"Relax. I wouldn't snog you," Remus laughed, ignoring her scowl. "It's just important we keep this quiet, yeah? There's a ruse to all of this that I plan on keeping up."

Evans pretended to be scanning the titles of the books on the shelf. "You never said what you wanted me for. How are you so sure I'll agree?"

Remus paused a moment, realizing this would be the hard part.

"Well, I think we can both agree that James is a dick," he said at last.

Evans froze. "I didn't realize that you agreed on that."

"In regards to you? He's been a pretty big dick. So I think we can agree."

"So this  _is_ revenge?" she asked, frowning. "Why do you care, Lupin?"

"This is for both of us. I won't have to listen to him yammer on about you, and you won't have to have him on your back anymore." He bit back a smile, knowing that there would be more to it than that.

"Alright," Evans replied, looking hesitant. "And what exactly is your plan?"

"Come with me to the Valentine's Day dance."

Evans nearly jumped into the bookcase. "What?" she demanded, her voice a little too loud.

"Hush. We're in a library," Remus reminded her with a scowl.

"Remus fucking Lupin," she hissed. "You are  _not_ trying to pull me! This sounds exactly like something James would do! I thought you were better than this!"

"Trust me, it's not," Remus assured her, crossing his arms. "And I don't  _actually_ want to date you. It's just a necessary part of plan."

"How?!"

Remus rolled his eyes, and sat down against one of the shelves. He began to tell her his plan.

* * *

 "...and that should show him that he's been a right prick to all of us."

"I can see how this would work," she admitted. "But isn't it a bit cruel?"

"Please. He'll get over it." Or, he wouldn't need to. If Remus played it right, Evans (or Lily, now that they were in cahoots, he supposed) might have agreed to dating James by the end of the night. He just needed James' help with that.

"No, he won't," Evans said, looking concerned. "I know James Potter. He's a big sap, and emotionally weak. This will crush him."

"Another interesting opinion," Remus remarked. Maybe there was a chance that Evans was interested....

Her cheeks turned bright pink. "You're making something out of nothing, Remus. I don't think of him in that way, I swear!"

"I never said you did."

She bit down hard on her lip and buried her face in her hands. After a moment, she looked up, and said, "You know I think Valentine's Day is ridiculous, right? Not really meaningful at all."

"It's a good thing we're abusing it, then," Remus chuckled. "After all, this plan of ours has no romantic outcome for us, correct?"

Evans rolled her eyes. "Shut your mouth, Lupin, or I'll start to worry you're trying to pull me again."

"I swear I'm not," Remus assured her, smiling lazily. He definitely wasn't interested in Evans. She wasn't at all his type. "James wanted me to do this because he figured I was the  _least_ likely to try and win you over. Figured I was non-threatening."

"Wait." Evans froze, and her eyes narrowed. " _Potter_ put you up to this?"

"No!" Remus exclaimed, throwing his hands into the air. "Originally, yeah. But I thought he was being stupid and decided to sabotage it by bringing you in on it. Joke's on him for trying to dupe you."

"Alright," she murmured. "I don't see how this would benefit him anyway... What about this did he think would work?"

"Don't ask me where he gets these harebrained ideas," Remus replied, though he figured there was some merit to James' plan. "He was trying to make you jealous." 

"Jealous?" she scoffed, letting out a laugh that sounded forced. "Who did he think would make  _me_ jealous?"

"Sirius," Remus said plainly, though he felt his stomach flip as he said it. "Thought it would get your attention."

Lily shook her head. "James Potter is literally a teenage drama queen. Not even Marlene would resort to that!"

Remus laughed nervously. "Yeah. I mean, Sirius is pretty dramatic, too. And he doesn't mind at all... I bet he's overjoyed, actually...." He trailed off, realizing that maybe he was a little  _too_ put off about it. He closed his eyes and tried to ward off whatever thoughts were clouding his head.

For a few moments, Lily was silent, too.

"You alright, Remus? Your face's gone all red."

Remus looked up and shook his head. "I'm fine. Anyway. We'll--"

"Wait," Lily said, grinning as she cut him off. "You fancy _Black_ , don't you?"

"What?" Remus gasped, shaking his head. "No! He's my friend. I would never--"

"I knew it!" Lily laughed, letting her head fall against the bookcase. "You're doing this because you want to get back at James for stealing your man! Remus, you could have just  _said_ and I would have helped you!"

Remus groaned. He supposed James was right about her being all for that sort of thing.

"I just told you, it's not like that," he insisted, trying to cover his face. He definitely did  _not_ fancy Sirius. That just was not on. 

He wasn't homophobic, even though he knew plenty of people who were. He just knew that people generally weren't okay with that sort of thing, even if Sirius was, and it would cause more problems than it was worth, being with him. 

That wasn't exactly evidence against Lily's claim, but it was all he was willing to think on the matter.

Lily smirked and crossed her arms. "Fine, then. Who _do_ you fancy, if it's not Black?"

"No one," Remus sputtered, telling himself it was true. "W-who do you want, Evans? Not James, right?"

She turned her head to the side indignantly. "Certainly not."

"Well, then I don't fancy Sirius, and you don't fancy James. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough."

Neither of them could have told a bigger lie.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REMUS SEEMS LIKE SUCH A SLYTHERIN IN THIS AND I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE IT. i guess i just suck at house characterizations anyway :P but really, even if Moony isn't as mischeivous as the others, he's def the brains behind the shenanigans. 
> 
> they're such dorks why haven't i written anything marauders before???


	3. Chapter 3

It was the night of the dance, and Sirius was filled with anticipation.

And discomfort. He  _really_ hated dress robes. They were stiff and flow-y and reminded him too much of fancy, formal dinners with his family. At least, he thought, he got to wear his hair long for this.

And, he got to have a boy as a date.  _That_ was something his mother and father would never allow. At one time, he might have worried about how they would react (or even what they might say to Regulus), but now he needn't worry. 

He had stopped living with them, and he had been formally disowned. Living with the Potters, he felt entitled to dance with whoever the hell he wanted. Boy, girl, or other wise.

And who could be a worse date? James was handsome, stalwart, funny... in love with someone else...

Sirius sighed and brushed off the front of his robes one last time. "How do I look?" he inquired.

"Fantastic," James replied, without even looking. He was too busy checking out his own reflection.

"Your collar's a bit off," Remus said.

Sirius was about to fix it himself, but to his surprise, Remus walked over to fix it instead. It only took a second, but his fingers were warm on Sirius' neck. The small gesture left him feeling a little off-put, but in a good way.

"Thanks." He smiled brightly to hide his surprise. "I thought I could pass the disheveled look, though," he jested.

"No way," James cut in. "You're going to look sharp so we can impress Lily."

"Yes, mother...."

Remus crossed his arms. "Last I checked, the only person impressing Lily was her date," he replied stiffly.

Sirius froze.  _Her date? They're not dating! He's not her date. Why would he say that?_ Moony was no one's date. Not under Sirius' watch. He would  _not_ allow it.

"Last I checked," James retorted snootily, "you're only going with her because I asked. This is supposed to end in me winning her over, remember?"

Sirius nodded in confirmation. He and James weren't actually dating--they were practically brothers! He was absolutely just going with James so he could win the girl of his dreams. That also meant that Remus and Evans could not be dating. It just wasn't possible!

And even if he was losing James, he refused to loose Moony to that red-haired girl.

Remus shrugged. "You're paying me to take her to the dance," he said shrewdly. "You can't expect me not to try my hardest."

And he  _was_ trying his hardest; Sirius could tell. He had never seen his lycanthropic friend dress so nicely, and wondered where he had acquired the robes. He'd even gone through the effort to style his hair. Strangely, though, Sirius thought he couldn't make out Remus' scars as well as normal. He wasn't sure what he thought of that. It wasn't normal.

In fact, Remus' entire get-up didn't seem normal. It was disturbingly un-Moony-like.

And just a little bit attractive. But that wasn't new. Remus was always attractive.

 _Ugh. Stop it, brain,_ he thought.  _Can you stop being turned on for just one night? I already have to refrain from snogging James. I can't go messing his plan up by making everything worse and going after Remus, too!_

Sirius had a very hyper-active sex drive. It did little good for him besides frustrate himself and embarrass himself in front of his friends. 

"Whatever," James muttered. "Come on, Pads. We'd better get going."

"What happened to being fashionably late?" Sirius pouted. He didn't want to go just yet. He kind of wanted to stay and chat with Moony before the evening was devoted to Evans.

"I'll get going." Remus smiled innocently at them both. "Lily's a punctual girl."

"I'll come with!" Peter exclaimed, stumbling through the door. He had been in the bathroom for the past ten minutes, and his entire face was red. He looked like he was sweating from nervousness to boot. "Marlene will be with her."

"Alright," Remus replied. "Let's go."

As the two left down the stairs, James crossed his arms and pulled a rude face. "Lily and Marlene," he said mockingly. "Since when were those two good with the ladies? This is ridiculous. Them and their stupid double date...."

"This is all because of you," Sirius reminded him. "You told Moony to ask out Evans. And then Peter decided to cash in on McKinnon. She wasn't going to have a date anyway."

"Still," James whined, "how come  _they_ get to go with the prettiest girls in our year? We're more of a catch than they are!"

Sirius couldn't help but laugh. "Regretting your decision?"

"No." James ruffled his hair one last time, trying to get that careless-but-sexy look that he never achieved. "Let's just go, okay? I'm done waiting around. We'll have the time of our lives. That'll show them!"

* * *

The dance began at eight o'clock. Fourth years and up were in attendance, and nearly everyone was dressed to the nines. Even Snivellus Snape looked as though he had tried to clean up his appearance a bit.

Sirius thought that the highlight of his night had been seeing the aggravated look on Snape's face when Remus and Lily had immediately begun dancing. The victory was tainted, however, when Sirius realized he was sporting the same upset scowl.

James wasn't much better company. He mostly clung by the punch table and swayed annoyingly to the music. He had never been a dance kind of person.

Sirius was a little more in his element, just because he was by nature a social person. Still, he was used to having more of a purpose at parties like this. Usually they were planting dung bombs or charming the instruments to sound like screeching cats.

This dance had no such pranks, though the chaperoning teachers seemed to be anticipating something. They would be disappointed. James had been under the impression that this needed to be a romantic evening, and he didn't want anything spoiling his chance with Evans.

One hour in, Sirius was bored. Several cute girls had asked him to dance, and he had accepted, because James wasn't going to ask him. But that had gotten boring after a while, especially when none of them asked him if he was  _really_ going out with James. He had been expecting more of a shock value when he had agreed, but his "partner" wasn't being very convincing. Even Regulus was ignoring him.

He decided he would pay a visit to his sulking date-mate. 

"Wasn't the whole point of this to make Evans jealous?" he inquired, leaning against James' shoulder. "I mean, there's not much to be jealous of. You're looking pretty miserable."

"What's the point?" James groaned, swirling the drink in his glass. "Look how much fun she's having with Remus! I hadn't expected  _him_ to be competition. Maybe I should have made Peter do it. She wouldn't have fallen for  _him."_

"Mate, that's a bit harsh." Sirius frowned and took another look at Remus and Evans. They were on the edge of the dance floor, chatting and laughing. He couldn't see why James  _didn't_ think Remus was a catch... Of course any girl lucky enough to date him would fall for him!

That ruined Sirius' mood, too. "Dammit," he grumbled. "Now you've got me feeling all bitter, too."

"At least Pete's having fun," James pointed out. 

On the dance floor, their chubby pal Wormtail was dancing with the gorgeous Marlene McKinnon. Somehow, he was actually an excellent dancer.

 _Good for him,_ thought Sirius, without resentment. Peter deserved to have one good night with a gal. 

And Remus, too, he supposed, moodily looking again at his best mate and his other best mate's crush. They were  _really_ hitting it off. Sirius didn't like it.

"Let's go dance," Sirius said at last. "We'll show them." He didn't have much enthusiasm in his voice, though. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

James was sweating. 

His hands were practically shaking as Sirius led him out onto the dance floor. His head was in a fog, and the only thing he could hear was the beating of his own heart. He felt Sirius' breath dangerously close to his face, and he was just about to chicken out when Sirius pulled him in close.

"You've got to act like you like me, mate," he grumbled. "Unless you don't want this to work."

"Of course I want it to work!" James said, looking down at his feet. They were somehow moving on their own accord, stumbling blindly after Sirius' graceful footsteps as they circled around, surrounded by dozens of other well-dressed couples.

They were the only same-gender one, however.

"Then look into my eyes like I'm the most beautiful thing on this planet," Sirius ordered. "Because I am, and I won't have you forgetting that."

James swallowed and looked up at him. He noticed something was different with his eyes.

"Are you wearing...makeup?" he whispered.

"Eyeliner," Sirius answered casually, settling his hand lower on James' waist. "Figured it would look good."

"You had to look like a fairy, didn't you?" James hissed, shifting his hands on Sirius' shoulders. The fabric of his robes was soft and velvety. 

He hated velvet more than any other fabric. All the more reason he was uncomfortable.

"Yes." Sirius smirked. "Have to play the part, don't I?"

"Sometimes I wonder about you, Black."

"There's no need to, considering I'm already gayer than you and Lupin put together."

"That isn't saying much."

Sirius looked wistfully over across the ballroom. "Sad, but true."

They spun around in another circle, and James was able to see what he was looking at. 

It was Remus and Lily, dancing dangerously close. Her emerald robes rubbed against Remus' cobalt ones, and their noses were close to touching. In fact, they  _were_ touching.

"Let's go over there, shall we?" James inquired, taking a step back. He removed Sirius' hands from his waist and moved them to his shoulders, and planted his own on Sirius' waist. "And I'll lead," he said.

Sirius' decorated eyes widened, and James thought he noticed a touch of glitter there, too. "Are you sure that's the best idea?"

"It's a brilliant idea," James scoffed. "If I'm going to look like a poof, I might as well be the man in the relationship."

Sirius winced. "If you say so."

They shifted over towards the other end of the room, where both of the other's affections were wrapped in each other's arms, swaying to the music.

 


	5. Chapter 5

"Ugh."

Lily curled her lip as she brushed noses with Remus. They were wrapped ridiculously close, and had been ever since they saw Potter and Black arrive on the dance floor, after what seemed like an eternity of brooding.

"What?" Remus demanded, and she noticed that he seemed particularly stiff. 

"I don't like this one bit, Lupin."

"And you think I do?" Remus snapped. "You're stepping on my toes, Evans."

"Oh." Lily lifted a heeled foot off of Remus' ratty boot. She didn't see why Potter or Black didn't buy him a new pair. They were hideous. "I hadn't realized."

"You and James both are shit dancers," Remus muttered.

"Don't you _dare_ compare me to him," Lily hissed.

Remus bit his lip, and Lily thought she detected a suppressed eye-roll. "Yes, ma'am," he said. 

She looked over his shoulder as best as she could, realizing that they had been standing still for a solid ten seconds. She saw Potter and Black drifting closer with some sort of purpose.

And Potter was bloody _leading._  

They spun around, and Remus saw the sight as well.

"What the hell does he think he's doing?"

"Protecting his ego, most likely," Lily said.

"You know he is." Remus didn't suppress the eye roll this time, and Lily couldn't help but laugh.

Potter and Black approached, but it was not graceful. They bumped into several dancers--including a royally perturbed Narcissa Black--along the way, so it was more like a game of pinball than a waltz.  

Now only a few meters away, Lily heard Potter's voice squeaking out above the music. 

"He's making her laugh! Hurry, Sirius! We've got to get over there."

Remus grinned and made a deliberate motion out of touching his forehead to Lily's. "Looks like the plan is working."

She pursed her lips, uncomfortable with the contact.

"Hopefully."

Black and Potter stumbled over like a pair of seven-year-olds in a three-legged race until they were dancing right next to each other.

"Hello, Evans," Potter purred, moving his hand lower down Black's back. "I trust Remus is treating you well?"

Lily smiled, tight-lipped. "Like a real gentleman," she replied, looking back at Remus. He was a considerable head taller than her, which was unusual, so she had to look up at him. He was doing a delightfully convincing job of looking utterly doe-eyed now that their targets were near, and she knew she had to match it.

Giving Remus a wink for a warning, she moved her hand from his shoulder to the back of his neck and brought his head down. 

"Aren't you, Remus?" she asked.

She could see the fear in Remus' eyes since she was so close, and she could hear him swallow, watch his Adam's apple bob with the motion. 

"I should hope so," he said, somehow managing to keep his voice smooth.

Lily was impressed. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Potter gaping and Black watching with narrowed eyes. They had stopped dancing, and were causing a bit of a traffic jam.

 _Might as well get it over with,_ she thought.

Lily had never kissed anyone before, and she didn't want to spoil anything real or special, so she gave Remus a quick peck on the lips. It was a dry, senseless kiss, and she didn't really feel anything besides skin.

Remus didn't seem very impressed, either.

But it was enough to leave Potter reeling, and that was enough for her. Black appeared to be reaching for his wand, and that was a cause for worry.

Remus pulled away quickly, keeping his hands on her waist and continuing to dance. 

"What's the matter?" he asked his friends, who were still standing there in shock and anger. 

"Yeah," Lily giggled. "Haven't seen a heterosexual kiss before?"

Potter immediately turned red in the face, and Black immediately drew his wand.

"I'm not gay," Potter said. 

Remus spun Lily in a circle and pulled her away, behind a small group of dancers. Over her shoulder, she said to Potter, "Your choice in date says otherwise."

"A bit harsh, don't you think?" Remus whispered, nervously looking through the crowd for Black.

Or at least, that's what she assumed. She had already figured he was gone for the other boy, so why wouldn't he be looking for him?

"No," she replied lightly. "If he thinks I think he's gay, he'll see how stupid this plan of his was."

"Smart idea," Remus answered, "but not if you've pissed Sirius off. He's got a mean hex on him."

"If he wants to duel, I can take it."

Remus grinned. "Confident, I see."

Lily smirked back at him. "Now. Are we ready to commence part two of the plan?"

"As I'll ever be." 

Lily nodded, and took her hands off of his shoulders to grab his hand. She made a show of dragging him to the door so that his friends wouldn't mistake it as him betraying James.

Either way, it would be bad. But it would be better if it looked like she initiated it.

So, she dragged him out into the back gardens, where all the couples went during these sorts of things. Remus had assured her that Black and Potter would be quick to follow after them. 

So, they made quick work of settling themselves in between to rather large bushes. They each sat with their backs to a bush and faced each other. Lily got twigs in her hair and grass in her dress, but she wasn't really one to care about those sort of things. Remus seemed right at home in the dirt. 

It wasn't long after that they heard shouting.

"Moony!" James cried, all the way from the other side of the garden. "Moony, I swear to the stars and back, if you're necking with Evans, I will hex you to next Tuesday!"

Remus covered his mouth with his hand and suppressed a giggle.

Lily pursed her lips, wondering where Black was.

"Come on, Moony! Listen to James! We don't want anyone getting hurt!"

There he was. And they were getting closer. About a minute later, they stopped calling for Remus, and Lily could hear their footsteps. They crunched over gravel and tread on grass until they were dangerously close to their bushes.

But she could hear them talking, now.

"Come on, James, Moony didn't mean to do this," Black insisted, his voice a hiss of a whisper.

"He stole her from me!"

"Because you asked him to!" 

The footsteps stopped.

Lily held her breath and closed her eyes. This was the part where she and Remus were supposed to begin simultaneously moaning, but it seemed that they both had forgotten and were too busy eavesdropping.

"No, Sirius. I asked him to  _pretend_ to date her so she would date me. Nowhere in our contract did I include room for him to  _actually_ date her."

"There was no contract, Prongs."

"Don't you  _Prongs_ me! And that's not the point! The point is, this went terribly wrong, and I'm terribly upset!"

She heard Black take sharp breath, and braced herself.

"And you think I'm okay with this?" he growled. "You think I wanted to see Remus go all soft-eyed for her? You think I wanted to tease at the idea of actually being with a boy? You think I wanted to have to hold your hand while knowing nothing was actually real?"

There was a footfall--Potter stepping backwards.

Remus was biting his lip, and he looked on the edge of breaking.

"I don't hear what you're saying, Padfoot."

"I'm saying that this whole thing is a joke!" Black cried. "I'm saying that you're an idiot for thinking that this would work, for thinking that  _anyone_ would benefit from it. Because now my heart's been broken  _twice,_ and soon Moony's heart is going to be crushed by that Evans girl, too! And you're never going to get her, because you've done nothing but prove what a prick you are!"

There was silence for a long moment, and Lily and Remus continued to breathe shallowly. 

Then, there was a strange sound, and then she heard the sound of four delicate feet pounding the ground--running away.

"Bloody hell," Black whispered, and that strange sound happened again, and then there were four heavier feet that paused by their bush for a moment, let out a growl, and ran away.

She waited a few minuted until she was sure they were gone, trying to process everything she just witnessed.

"Did they--are they--"

"Don't ask," Remus said, and let out a long sigh. 

"What just happened?"

"I said don't ask."

"I meant before that," Lily offered, frowning. "I didn't think those two argued."

"They have rows all the time," Remus said. "Just--not like that." 

"What do you make of it?"

"That this was a royal mistake." 

"So, what are we going to do?"

Remus let out a long sigh and closed his eyes. Then, he opened them, and pushed himself to his feet. His hair got caught in the bushes, but he seemed unaffected as he walked out. 

"I'm going back to the dorms. I could use a good night's rest."

Lily nodded.

"I'll see you in the morning?"

"Only if I've sorted this out first." 

She sighed, too, and watched him leave. She stayed in the bushes, wondering what she had done. 

It had all seemed so innocent at that start.

Now, it felt wretched. 


	6. Chapter 6

Remus was the first one back to their dorm room.

He quickly got out of the god-forsaken dress robes that Mrs. Potter had given him for Christmas that year and changed into his pajamas. They were also from Mrs. Potter, and were actually quite nice. 

Nicer than anything his parents could have supplied, he supposed. 

Not that he wasn't grateful for everything that they did for him. It was just...hard, sometimes, being around James and Sirius, who seemed to have it all.

Only he was sure they weren't feeling that way tonight. James was surely out in the Forbidden Forest throwing a fit about not getting Lily, and Sirius would be there to console him.

As always.

Sirius would surely be moping over the fact that he could never  _truly_ have James as his own. 

And Remus, the boy who had nothing but his friends, was feeling the worst of it.

He sat on his bed, trying to read  _A Study of the Lycanthropic Condition_ for the millionth time. It was the only book that presented lycanthropy as something separate from the person ailed with it. It approached it as a disease, the same way one might talk about dragon pox. It relaxed him, made him feel more human.

Because he was human. A lycanthropic human. 

But tonight, he couldn't get it into his head. He felt like the words were skimming past his brain and lodging themselves in the back of his skull. He couldn't  _focus._

All he could think about was the fact that Sirius had been hopelessly fallen for James since their first year, and maybe Remus had felt the same way about Sirius for just as long, and he was only just now figuring it out. 

And how it was going to tear their friendship apart.

* * *

Remus was just falling to the clutches of sleep when he heard footsteps up the staircase. His eyes flew open, and his entire body stiffened, and for a moment, he was thrown back to the time when he was five and that  _monster_ reached in for him and tore him nearly apart.

But this was not like that.

This anxiety was social, and there was no real danger. He was safe. 

Still, he clenched his fists and waited for whichever one of his friends and roommates was entering. He kept his eyes half open and lay on his side, the one facing the doorway.

He saw Sirius pop into the room, looking disheveled and tired. His robes were a torn mess, and there were leaves in his hair. His skin looked scratched up, too.

Remus immediately pushed himself out of bed and got to his feet. If it were James, he would have waited, but this was different.

"Shit," he whispered, rushing over to Sirius. He inspected him like a worried mother, pinching at his clothes and peering around him for any damage.

Sirius let it happen and kept his mouth shut.

"Are you alright?" Remus asked once he was finished. He had a hand on Sirius' face, and realized this and worriedly pulled it away.

"Fine," Sirius grumbled. His eyes looked heavy. "Just had to deal with Prongs."

"Y-you didn't find us in the bushes, did you?" Remus blurted. He remembered that Padfoot had come dangerously close to their hiding spot in the bushes.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "I don't want the details, Moons."

He turned his back to him and pulled off his dress robes, which were too torn to be worth anything now. He vanished them once they were off, and crawled straight into bed.

Remus watched him, feeling lost and confused. He sat down on his own bed.

"We didn't do anything, Pads," he said, and he didn't know why he felt the need to justify that.

Well, he did. He wouldn't have a day earlier, but now he did.

"I told you," Sirius growled, "I don't want to hear it." He muttered something else under his breath that Remus didn't quite catch.

"What's the matter, Sirius?"

Sirius let out a huff and rolled onto his side, facing his back to Remus. He didn't say anything.

Remus sighed and crawled back into bed, and waited for the next roommate to return.

* * *

 

James came back at around midnight, and woke Remus up with all his clomping and muttering. 

"Fucking hell," he announced as he entered.

It jolted Remus awake, and he sat up and looked at James, whose robes were perfectly in tact. He wasn't noticed, however, by the other boy. He kicked off his shoes and went straight to the bathroom.

Remus stayed sat up, waiting for James to come back. But he didn't.

Peter came back before he did, with his gelled hair now tousled and his face covered in lipstick. He looked absolutely starstruck as he crashed straight into bed without a word or gesture to Remus. He passed out on top of his covers.

Remus sighed, and he heard Sirius sigh back.

That gave him some hope. He settled himself back into bed and stared up at the ceiling, hands propped under his head. 

"I know you're mad at me, Sirius," he said, "but I promise Lily and I didn't do anything."

Sirius grunted, but did nothing else. 

"It was all a ruse," he said. "I was just doing what James asked. I don't want to keep on with her, and she doesn't want to keep on with me."

Sirius was silent for a long moment, and then let out a long sigh. He rolled back over so he was facing Remus.

"I don't give a shit what you and the red haired witch do," he said. "But you should probably tell James that, because I just had to deal with him screaming and yelling at woodland creatures about the unfairness of it all. And it wasn't pretty."

There was no lilt of humor in his voice. Just anger and agitation.

"I'm sorry. I tried my best to get Lily to end up with him, but things went...awry." Remus was trying to reassure him, but he knew it was of no use.

"Did they?" Sirius let out a dry huff of a laugh. "Well, good for you, mate. Good for you."

"Sirius..."

"No, I told you. I don't give a shit. I'm happy for you. I just don't want to deal with James."

Remus frowned and closed his eyes. He didn't know what to say. He felt hurt by Sirius. He wanted him to care more. He wanted him to believe him.

Then, there was more stomping, and James entered the room again. He got immediately into bed and didn't say a word, but Remus felt the room go cold. 

It hurt.

His friends were being torn apart. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! I'm back! I've hit a dry spell as of late, but I think I'm going to finish this one soon. :)

"We've done fucked, Lily."

It was breakfast the next morning, and Remus was sitting with Evans and her crew instead of with James, who was giving him the cold shoulder. Sirius seemed off, too, though that wasn't much different than the night before.

At least he had Peter, who was sitting across from Marlene and giving her doe-eyes, though she was rather content to give her full attention to her pumpkin juice and toast.

Lily aggressively took a bite of potato and glanced over at the other end of the table, where James and Sirius were sulking together.

"It was your idea that got you into this mess," she said, "so don't expect me to get you out of it."

"Lily," he pleaded, "there's only one thing that will fix this. And you know what it is."

Lily set down her fork and narrowed her eyes. "Remus Lupin," she growled, "if you think I'm going to go out with James Potter to fix your little problem, you're wildly deluded."

"Lily, just  _one date,"_ he said. "How much can it hurt?"

"It will be detrimental to my pride!"

"I think your pride can take the blow."

"And I think you're fully capable of repairing your own friendship."

Remus grimaced. "The solution is right in front of us, and you're refusing to help?"

"Me dating Potter won't change the fact that he's a dysfunctional human being, Remus," Lily growled. She took one last bite of her food, and then picked up her bags and got up from the table.

"Come on, Marlene," she said. "Stop gawking at Pettigrew so we can get to class."

* * *

James was furious.

Sirius was mildly agitated.

"Did you see that?" James whispered, leaning perhaps a little too far into Sirius' space.

Sirius sighed and shoved him back to his side of the bench. "Yes, I saw. You can stop gawking over my plate now that the girls are gone."

Crossing his arms, James stared dejectedly down at his plate, filled with untouched meats and breads. 

"He was canoodling with Evans."

"I think they were just talking, James."

"No! They were  _canoodling."_

Sirius sighed again, because that was his trademark reaction when someone was actually being more ridiculous than he was. "I can't believe I have to be the reasonable one," he grumbled. 

"What?" James asked. "I was too busy glaring at Remus and his canoodling little attitude to hear what you were saying."

Sirius bit his lip and suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. "Mmmhmm."

"You know, I bet he was planning this all along. He wanted to get into Lily's robes, and was just pretending to be opposed to it. I bet he even--"

"Alright, shut up!" Sirius shouted, standing up so he could look down at James. 

* * *

Remus froze as he heard Sirius' voice rising up in the hall. He looked over and saw his two best friends locking gazes. James' eyes were wide with horror as he looked up at Sirius, whose posture was stiff and agitated.

Remus swallowed, wondering what possibly could have happened.

"You think you're the only one who's bothered by this?" he shouted, his voice rising above the murmur of the Great Hall. "You think this is all about  _James Potter?_ Of course you do! Because it's always about _James-bloody-Potter!"_  

"Sirius, I--"

"Be  _quiet,_ Potter."

Sirius had reached Black-family stereotype level of anger. The entire room could feel his magic pulsating off of him in waves. The Gryffindors all watched in horror with no idea of what was to come. The Hufflepuffs watched with wide eyes, some ready to draw their wands to stop it. The Ravenclaws all exchanged looks and ducked their heads, unsure of what to do. The Slytherins watched with delight, all of them chancing glances at Regulus, who folded his arms over the table and smirked.

And that was it for Remus.

He dropped his fork, and it scattered across the table. He hopped to his feet, and before Sirius could say another word, Remus had his hands on the collars of both James' and Sirius' robe.

"Outside," he growled. "With me."

He dragged the two of them out of the Great Hall, taking a quick glance over his shoulder to see Dumbledore's eyes following him with curiosity.

The Great Hall had gone dangerously quiet, but the hallway was worse. Remus could hear nothing but their breathing as he dragged the two of them as far away from the dining area as possible.

Finally, with strength he could only muster near the start of the full moon, he threw the two of them against the wall. 

Both of them looked horrified.

"Remus--" Sirius began.

"Shut it, Black."

James opened his mouth, and Remus shut him down with a glare. 

Remus was rarely the dominant one, but when he was angry, he was  _angry._

"What has gotten into you two?" he demanded. "You're both being sulky, argumentative, and you sure aren't acting like  _friends."_

He waited for opposition, for James to call him a backstabbing woman-stealer, but none of that came. The two just averted their gazes.

"James, I know you're pissed at me, but don't take it out on Sirius, for Merlin's sake! He's done nothing but try to help you. So if you've got a problem with me, just bloody tell me!"

Sirius huffed, a smirk beginning to form on his mouth.

"Don't you start, Sirius," Remus warned. "You're being no better. You almost blew up in front of James in front of the  _entire bloody school._ Do you know how much trouble that could have gotten us into? How many points Gryffindor could have lost?"

Sirius swallowed nervously, and shot his gaze back down at the ground. 

"You're both being little shits, and before you do anything else, you're apologizing to each other."

The two were silent, shifting on their feet and avoiding looking at anyone or anything. 

Remus rolled his eyes. "Before next Christmas, if you  _please."_

Sirius cleared his throat. "Sorry, mate. Didn't mean to get all worked up like that."

James nodded solemnly. "Sorry for yelling at you last night. You weren't the one in the wrong." He looked up and stared Remus in the eye. "It's  _this_ bastard that I should be taking my anger out on."

"Here we go again," Sirius sighed.

Remus simply crossed his arms. "Go ahead, James. Do your worst. I won't care. I didn't do anything wrong."

James scowled. "Bloody hell you didn't," he snapped, reaching into his robes to draw out his wand. "Listen, I've done some thinking, Remus. I may not own Evans, I may not even have the right to her. Hell, I don't even care anymore if she doesn't want me! But you broke a brotherly  _code,_ Remus. Evans can go snog whoever she wants, but you, on the other hand--"

"For fuck's sake!" Remus cried. "I didn't lay a finger on Evans!"

"To hell you didn't!" 

Sirius stood watching, unsure of who he was supposed to support. Remus paid him little mind.

"James, for the  _last time,_ I was only doing what you asked! What, rightly, you shouldn't have asked of me in the first place, and you wouldn't have had to if you just had a little self control!"

"Self control? What are you _talking_ about, Remus?"

Remus was about to go on another tangent, when he was pushed out of the way by someone from behind. As he slammed into the wall, he caught a glimpse of tightly coiled fists and long, red hair.

Before he knew what was happening, Lily had shoved James against the wall and was kissing him. 

It lasted two, maybe three seconds, and she looked damn-well pissed about doing it.

James, on the other hand, was star-struck. As she pulled away, his eyes went wide and he gaped, reaching out to her. Her gaze paused on him for a second, but then she turned to glare at Remus.

"Happy, Lupin?" she asked. "Did I repair your bloody dysfunctional friendship?"

Remus simply blinked and tried to push himself upright.

Sirius blinked, too. "I'm a bit lost on what just happened," he confessed.

"Oh, and I thought Pettigrew was the dull one," Lily grumbled. "I kissed James Potter, okay?" 

Her hands flew to her mouth.

"I kissed James Potter," she gasped.

James seemed to gather his poise and stood up straight. Adjusting his collar, he sidled in next to Lily. "That's what they all say," he sighed, looking immensely satisfied.

Lily's hands fell to her sides and she clenched her fists once more. "You're a little shit, Potter," she said.

"So, you never kissed Moony, huh?" he purred, tilting his head.

"Of course I didn't!" she cried. "I-I-" She looked to Remus, who was still staring at them, dumbstruck. "I've been played," she said.

"Barely," James mumbled. "No tongue at all. Very disappointing."

Lily gaped at Remus, walking up to him. "You played me," she said. "This was all a massive prank so I would kiss Potter, wasn't it? The conniving, the drama, the arguing--you three were just  _acting_ to trick me, weren't you?" She shook her head. "And to think I thought better of you, Remus."

"No, Lily," Remus pleaded. "It wasn't a trick! I didn't think you would--"

"Oh, spare me the theatrics," she snapped. "Not ten minutes ago you were  _begging_ me to go on a date with Potter."

"Yes, well, it wasn't because--"

"Bollocks!" she cried. "You never wanted to put Potter in his place, did you? You and Black and Pettigrew--you're all his henchmen. You'd never betray him."

"It wasn't betrayal! It was just--"

"Shut up!" Lily cried. 

Remus thought he saw tears pricking at her eyes.

"I thought we were friends!" She shook her head. "Then again, what did I expect from a Marauder?"

"Lily--"

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and turned around. As she walked away, James leaned against the wall, a smirk lining his place.

Both Sirius and Remus turned to look at him.

"You're a little shit, Potter," they said simultaneously.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reconciliation?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK WHO FINALLY UPDATED AFTER 5 MONTHS
> 
> (also moved this back onto my main account in case anyone was wondering??)

Sirius was exhausted. 

James had spent the rest of the day acting immensely satisfied with himself, and the Marauders tried to carry on the day like normal. It was impossible, however. 

Remus was quiet, brooding in a way Sirius had never seen before. His eyes were downcast, and he looked terribly guilty. They had all done many guilt-warranting things, Moony included, but this, for some reason, affected him more than anything. 

Sirius, too, was quiet. He barely listened as James continued telling the morning's story over and over again, happy to have his chums back and oblivious to the fact that they were still upset.

It was evening by then, and they had just made it back into their dorm room. 

"And to think I didn't even plan it," James laughed, throwing himself onto his bed. "Not the last bit, at least. I thought it had all gone to shit."

Sirius scowled and sat himself down on his own bed. He buried his face in his hands, watching through the slits between his fingers as Remus trudged into the room.

"So, that's it, then?" Remus asked. "One kiss and you're happy?"

"Yeah," James sighed, staring up at the top of his four-poster bed. "Further than I ever thought I'd get, to be honest."

"You do realize you've made a huge mess of the situation," Sirius spat. "Even I can see that."

James ignored him. "Well done, Moony," he said. "And to think that I doubted you, for even a second!" 

Remus huffed and sat down next to Sirius, likely out of habit. Sirius did not move away, and something akin to both hope and heartache filled him.

A lot had happened, and he was confused. And he was still heartbroken, despite everything. 

Remus Lupin may not have been in love with Evans, but that didn't mean he felt something for Sirius. 

As James continued to natter on about how pleased he was with the day's events, he didn't even notice that his friends were not really responding. He was in his own world, unable to make himself aware of the plights of anyone else.

And that, more than anything, made him more narcissistic than even Sirius himself.

Sirius knew that his own heartbreak did not define the gravity of the situation. Both Evans and Remus were crushed by and clearly pissed with James, and that wasn't just going to go away.

Still, just for a moment, he wanted to wallow in his own self-pity. The two people he cared about most were likely thinking of anything but him, and that in itself was a tragedy. 

Not only that, he felt strongly reminded of the fact that neither of them would ever reciprocate the feelings he felt for them. Though, he didn't really think he was that disappointed that James wouldn't, after that morning's fiasco.

But then there was Remus, and Sirius didn't think he'd ever fully get over that loss.

The other boy was sat beside him still, and had already procured a book to read. Peering over his shoulder, Sirius noticed that it was his stress-reading:  _A Study of the Lycanthropic Condition._

He didn't see how it possibly calmed him down, but Sirius could see that his shoulders were already beginning to loosen as he lost himself in the pages.

Sirius looked up at James to see that his attention had shifted to Peter, who was nodding along patiently as James jabbered at him. He looked back to Remus and nudged him.

"You alright?" he whispered. 

Remus glanced at him and pursed his lips. "No," he said.

Sirius nodded, smiling wryly. "Yeah," he muttered. "Me neither."

Nodding absently, Remus turned back to his book, running his finger beneath the words to pull himself back into the text. Sirius watched as his brown eyes darted back and forth over the page. The corner of his mouth twitched as he read, which moved the scar that trailed from his lower lip to his neck. 

Sirius frowned at the thought of all of Remus' scars. He knew that there was nothing to be done now, but all the years that Remus had to spend alone during his transformation should have never--

He stiffened as he remembered the time of month.

"Remus," he whispered. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I told you, no. But it's fine." Remus didn't even look up from the book.

"Are you sure you're not...forgetting? You didn't lose track?" He swallowed nervously as the other boy looked up at him, his expression soft.

"Not till tomorrow," he said patiently. 

Sirius sighed in relief. "I thought that with everything, maybe--"

"I'm fine. I never lose track, you know that." Remus was smiling slightly. 

And Sirius felt a lot better.

They looked at each other for a moment, quiet, and Sirius felt warm. He heard James boasting just a few feet away, and it should have bothered him, but he ignored it.

Remus cleared his throat and looked down at the book. Sirius bit his lip.

"You'll feel like shit for the next few days after tomorrow," he said, a little bitterly. "Want to do something while you're still at your strongest?"

Remus closed the book and set it behind him. He didn't say anything, but he looked at James' turned head with a sour expression.

"Just you and me," Sirius said. "We can forget about the past few days. Just let things be normal."

Nodding, Remus stood. "Let's go," he whispered, "before James notices us."

And they slipped out of the dorm room, into the common area and out into the halls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes its a short chapter but i wanted to get something out asap so i could be more inspired to write because of the feeling of getting something /done/
> 
> please comment and tell me how you're feeling!


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